Thursday, March 26, 2009

Detroit Tigers Should Be Ashamed To Hold Home Opener on Good Friday

By scheduling the team’s 2009 home opener on Good Friday the organization is sending a clear message to the greater Detroit area and the entire civilized world: The Detroit Tigers hate Jesus Christ and all of his followers.

The last thing the Catholic Church needs is more distractions for its parishioners. It’s bad enough that banks, restaurants, and movie theatres remain open on this, one of the three or four holiest days of the Christian calendar.

If there are baseball games to go to on a beautiful spring afternoon, who is going to attend church?

The archaic practices of a 2000-year-old religious institution based around repression and personal sacrifice can’t compete with watching Curtis Granderson smack triples into the cavernous Comerica Park outfield.

Magglio Ordonez’s long, flowing locks billowing out from beneath his navy blue batting helmet are far more transfixing than any stained-glass depiction of the emaciated corpse of our savior hanging from the cross.

For crying out loud, even I’d prefer going to a ball game over spending the day at a musky old church. And it is for these reasons that the Tigers and everyone else should bend to the church’s whim.

I’m not asking for much here. All I’m saying is that the world is simply not large enough for both the church and all of the fun things that people like to do to make their lives more interesting and fun.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it is the sad truth. And because it is so, we must not only refrain from doing said fun things, but we must stop everyone from enjoying them as well.

Hopefully, if we can eliminate all of the activities that humans have developed that have diminished the need for focus on the afterlife, the miserable population will then return to the church.

Godliness is next to cleanliness, people, and I’ve already showered today.

I have faith the Tigers will cancel their home opener and make this the Best Friday ever!